but i am not so much ready to go.

tomorrow morning, at about a quarter to crocus (also known as an hour too ungodly to be named in polite company) i shall be creeping out of the house and heading to the airport, en route for New York City.

New York City.

to a small-town girl from PEI, this is a Very Big Deal. i’ve flown around the world and seen a passport full of countries, true, but i have never been to the Big Apple. (well, unless you count a twilight bus trip from LaGuardia to JFK one freezing February evening in the middle of a fifty-six-hour trip back to Korea…but i don’t. i really really don’t.) when i was growing up, i didn’t even believe that one could just up and go to New York for a weekend…any more than i believed one could visit Fantasy Island. New York to me is the City of Cities, and i feel like Cinderella before the ball.
but i’m also torn. because we’re not bringing O.

Dave has been in upstate NY since Monday, at a conference. Oscar and i have been on our own for the week…hanging out with the cat and the blessed tube of Baby Orajel, because my six-month old apparently needs six teeth and is thus cutting four of them right now. we’ve had a long week, and i am ready for a vacation.

but…we’ve also had a special week. i liked being alone with O, for a bit. once i figured out i could handle it, hellish teething and all, then i felt amazingly buoyed. i liked the feeling that i was rising to the occasion when i stumbled out of bed for the seventh time, barely vertical. i liked the irrevocability of it, the primariness of the responsibility – i am his mother, this is what i do. and i liked the fact that there was no one but Oscar around to notice if i didn’t exactly do it all shiningly. i liked it for three days…and i liked it because i know damn well i’m lucky not to have to like it on a fulltime, forever basis, like my mother did with me.

mostly, being alone with O made me notice how much i like him. this morning, when he woke from his nap and was burrowing blearily against me, still drowsy, i coughed. and one little hand reached up tentatively, as if he’d just really noticed i was there and wanted to confirm. his five fingers spread across my cheek, gentle and warm, and he craned his head around to meet my gaze. and we smiled at each other, and i thought “i’m mad to be leaving this boy behind.”

of course, his grandparents will pack me on the plane whether i change my mind or not, because they too want him all to themselves for a bit.

so…ready or not, here i come. or rather, here i go.