Tue 26 Jun 2007
this wasn’t the post i wanted to write tonight
Posted by bon under relationship stuff, stuff to be done
[27] Comments
nope, not at all. i was going to regale you with more of my deep thinky thoughts on the cheap methadone that is facebook, or make fun of Dave-who-is-now-my-coworker in order to cover the fact that i’m actually really kinda enjoying working alongside him and realize how lonely i’ve been for aspects of our adult, peer relationship (oh halt, gutter minds) all this past year while i’ve been at home.
but something’s come up.
i’ve spent a lot of the day cracking WhyMommy from Toddler Planet’s sitemeter wide open, clicking on it again and again, hoping for news about her breast cancer biopsy yesterday.
scratch that. i was hoping for good news. the “oh, whoops, gee all that alarm for nothing and who said anything about breast cancer? here’s a lollipop” kind of news.
but she didn’t get that kind of news.
Whymommy has breast cancer. she starts chemo in two weeks, the day her younger son turns six months old. she is 34.
we’re not old friends or anything, Whymommy and me. i don’t think i know her real name, though something at the back of my brain twigs and tells me i do and am just stunned into forgetfulness. but i have known her, out here in this world of words where all our most secret and mundane selves and hopes go on display, for awhile now. back on the first of March, when i was still slowly unpeeling the onion of this community and discovering – eleven months into blogging – that i wasn’t alone out here, i came across this gorgeous post, this song to her second son, her “last baby.” he was six weeks old then, product of a hard-won and brutal pregnancy and wailing with gas and pain from a milk allergy she was diligently working to accommodate her own diet to. i had been there myself, with O’s gastrointestinal misery of the summer before, and it had nearly eaten me alive…the sleeplessness and stress and cheese deprivation. but she wrote of joy, Whymommy did. of sitting with her Little Bear on her chest through the night, tender and unresenting, unpanicked, comforting him. because he was her last child.
her words have been with me since. i am not so good at taking the long view, much of the time…i flap and flounder, get overwhelmed by petty things. but Whymommy’s post about sitting tenderly with Little Bear stopped me short, made me really, fully realize how quickly Oscar’s babyhood was passing, how precious and fleeting and one-shot-only it is, how all the tedious little things i do with him daily – and did so much more of when it was just the two of us, at home – might be my last experience of this babyhood thing…this strange, hard, precious gift. i don’t know if O is my last baby. i hope for more, but know that hope is no guarantee of anything. so ever since, i have held Whymommy’s words close to me, a little private mantra. when i am tired, or impatient, i pull O a bit closer and i remember that he may be my last baby. that all of this parenting, even the roughest parts, will be over all too soon…and may never come again. that he is a gift. and then i rise to the occasion, not quite the beatific madonna but still…content. reminded.
for this, i owe Whymommy, big time. she is, in the odd but very real way of the blogosphere, my friend.
and i feel helpless to help my friend, except to send more of you over there to be her friend, too. she doesn’t want pity, or sadness. she has a plan, and the will to fight, and a tenacity that even through teh internets has always been plain as day. this is the woman who sat up all night with a colicky baby and smiled tenderly upon him, beaming. cancer, i expect, will cower in the face of her fearsome will, slink its ugly tail between its legs, and go the hell home.
i hope.
i know hope is no guarantee of anything. but hope is powerful nonetheless, and there is power in numbers. so go, wrap her up in love and positive focus and stand with her. don’t tell her she’s an inspiration or how sorry you are. just tell her she’s strong, and be there so she doesn’t have to be strong all the time.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
and if you’re in Canada, and you have the legs to waddle, the Run for the Cure is a damn fine way to spend an early fall afternoon raising money to beat breast cancer’s ass. last year i ran for my grandmother, and for Oscar. this coming year, i’m thinking Whymommy and her wee boys will be on my mind, too. breast cancer affects one in eight women. anybody want to join me?
27 Responses to “ this wasn’t the post i wanted to write tonight ”
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Pingback from Pink « Spin Me I Pulsate
June 27th, 2007 at 1:52 pm[…] After cans of ensure and bowls of Jell-O. After losing her hair, she lost her life. So reading Bon’s post about whymommy, and her encouragement to get out and Run for the Cure should get me ramped up, […]
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June 30th, 2007 at 11:38 pm[…] Bon […]
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July 6th, 2007 at 2:06 pm[…] Mama Binkytown Bon Canape Cool Beans Dawn Girl Izzy Jennie Jess Kami Katy Kim the midwife Kris Kristin Leeanthro Lisa […]
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September 2nd, 2009 at 11:26 am[…] · Alex Year One · Ally · Amanda · Arkie Mama · Barbara · BetteJo · Binky · Binkytown · Bon · Bubble Writes · Canape · Chatter Mom · Cheeky Lotus · Christy · Clifford · CocoColloquium […]
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April 6th, 2010 at 10:45 pm[…] three years ago now, i reached out – with the thin words that come struggling in when things are dire and wrong – to somebody else, one of my first […]
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Pingback from WhyMommy LoveFest Rallies Bloggers for Susan Niebur | She Posts
January 31st, 2012 at 3:16 am[…] Stewart wrote this after she learned of Niebur’s diagnosis, when she didn’t even know her real name: and i feel helpless to help my friend, except to send more of you over there to be her friend, too. she doesn’t want pity, or sadness. she has a plan, and the will to fight, and a tenacity that even through teh internets has always been plain as day. this is the woman who sat up all night with a colicky baby and smiled tenderly upon him, beaming. cancer, i expect, will cower in the face of her fearsome will, slink its ugly tail between its legs, and go the hell home. […]
June 27th, 2007 at 2:22 am
I didn’t read her latest post, but I’ll head over in a sec. I thought it would be ok, be a mistake, be wrong. If i was up in Canada i would run my ass off for her. for all of them with this ugly thing chasing them down.
June 27th, 2007 at 2:41 am
I’d never read her site before, but I clicked over from here and now I can’t stop reading it. She sounds like a strong woman with so much to live for.
34 years old.
Holy frack.
June 27th, 2007 at 2:45 am
Damn, Bon, that was awesome. She is my oldest and dearest friend and I couldn’t find the words to write tonight. You have captured her essence and strength and I think I love you.
Thank you for this. Thank you for caring about her.
Thank you for signing up for the cheer squad. There will be no pom poms required, but since I have always secretly wanted to wear the little skirt, I’m considering a Team Whymommy uniform.
June 27th, 2007 at 10:15 am
What a wonderful, compassionate post. I know that after reading it so many of us will be clicking over to Whymommy’s place and offering her our thin gifts of support and caring.
June 27th, 2007 at 11:02 am
34. Good God. I’ve never visited her site, but that’s heart-rending.
June 27th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
even if you don’t know the person it really hits home. that stats are heart wrenching, which is why breast cancer research has been my “charity” of choice. Given that I now have a family member with breast cancer I am thinking of joining you in that race as well bon rather than just supporting it through my piddly monetary contributions. For my aunt diane & whymommy.
June 27th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
through you we shall bring to bear the power of hope and support, and shore her up as she has done for you and others
every step of the way.
each step is it’s own beginning, possibly the first step to being cancer free.
June 27th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
What De said. What De said. What De said.
June 27th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
I was silently and fervently wishing for good news, too. Yes–the power of hope and support, there is no better way to say it.
June 27th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
After spending last Saturday at the Relay for Life we understand how deeply hope can help survivors through this battle.
Going to lend support now. Thanks for making us aware.
June 27th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
bon. you know what i am feeling about all this. not really so different from what you are feeling, but you do write so beautifully.
thank you.
June 27th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Beautifully written Bon. I will defiitely check out her site and send good vibes her way.
When I was teaching, another teacher found out she had breast cancer when she was a few months pregnant. They delivered the baby extremely early, in an effort to save mommy. Scary shit.
June 27th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
I am so sorry to hear this. I’m actually hearing it from you because I’ve been too busy today/yesterday to deal with my reader. I need to head over there.
June 27th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Oh gosh, my first time on your site and now hers. What to say?
cancer…will…slink its ugly tail between its legs, and go the hell home.
I hope so too.
June 27th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
I feel this same way about you, Bon, and Lotta at Mom-O-Matic and Kate at Sweet|Salty (although I have never even “met” her through email). Powerful stuff. Sometimes I wonder to myself if I will ever stop reading these blogs and I can’t imagine it because I feel so connected to people I’ve never laid eyes on.
Good people, you.
June 28th, 2007 at 12:48 am
Oh, Bon. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I had no idea my little post worked magic on you. I am glad. Your thinky ways have worked magic on me. Helped me see that this blogosphere is so much more than a simple exchange of information. Your words remind me to stop. and think. and write. and maybe revise. And then hit “post.”
And most importantly go and read and make connections with other women.
Thank you. I needed this today.
June 28th, 2007 at 2:24 am
Oh. OH. Will make haste with my wishes and prayers.
June 28th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
As soon as the tears in my eyes dry up enough for me to read, I’m headed right over to introduce myself and lend support any way I can.
Thank you for sharing this …
June 28th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Sigh.
June 29th, 2007 at 6:10 am
I didn’t know about her site. Did head over and tried to co-opt the Home Depot slogan. Thanks for posting
July 1st, 2007 at 6:17 am
Team WhyMommy is working on a project to show support for our dear friend WhyMommy. If you would like to participate please email us at teamwhymommy@gmail.com and we’ll send you the details. Thank you!