Archive for November, 2007

Thursday, November 29th, 2007

motherhood and the land of tears

  it is such a secret place, the land of tears. – Antoine St. Exupery  i got my first positive pregnancy test three years ago today. we were trying, but i was so sure that we could not possibly ever get a positive on the first try – i’d been told since i was sixteen […]

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Monday, November 26th, 2007

poppy red

a milestone for me…blogging under the heady influence of morphine.  wheeee…zzzz. it is almost 11 pm, and we just got home from the hospital.  i went at 7 this morning, saw my doctor, had a bunch of bloodwork done, and discovered that the weekend doctor hadn’t actually managed to get me on the surgery schedule […]

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Sunday, November 25th, 2007

curiouser and curiouser

d & c tomorrow morning, 8 am. the drugs have done nothing thus far but bloat and clean my digestive tract with vigour, making the weekend a cramped affair spent largely in bed or curled up on the bathroom floor, nauseous and exhausted, wishing vainly for bleeding. and for the small mercies of closure, the […]

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Friday, November 23rd, 2007

friday, november 23rd

it seems only fitting to finish this on a Friday, but i do not have the heart for haiku. there is no good news, my friends.  the sac is still too small, and shows little growth over the past eight days.  there is no fetal pole, no heartbeat…which given that the positive pregnancy test came […]

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Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

the sixth circle of limbo

so, anybody ’round these parts friends with, um, Tom Cruise & Katie & their fun Scientology crew? ’cause if you’d like to theft their much-reported personal ultrasound machine and bring it on over to my house, that would be really, like, cool. i saw my doctor today. my blood hcg levels are rising appropriately, apparently, […]

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Monday, November 19th, 2007


But you who philosophize disgrace and criticize all fears, Take the rag away from your face. Now ain’t the time for your tears. – Bob Dylan The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll the lyrics above have been going through my head all weekend. or rather, more honestly, the lyrics above have been popping in and […]

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Saturday, November 17th, 2007

me love you longtime

when one is in the midst of a torturous limbo, it is very helpful to have a toddler around. with a toddler around, it’s difficult to slip entirely into the doldrums. not only are there beams and giggles to buoy one up, but also the adrenalin of constant demands that threaten to escalate into disaster: […]

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Friday, November 16th, 2007

other pictures

there is no news from here, except that the doctor’s office called and want me to come in for more bloodwork Monday morning…and instructed me to go to the Emergency Room if i have any significant pain. fair enough. no one ever died of just the sheer misery of waiting, did they? funny.  i could […]

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Thursday, November 15th, 2007

and no birds sang

ultrasound today inconclusive she said, but her eyes spoke sorrow two sacs, too small, one just a dot; one a silent mysterious well the dates are certain ides of November, mocking. et tu, little wish? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ we wait now for blood tests, and a followup ultrasound.  but i saw that screen, and i know that […]

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Tuesday, November 13th, 2007

sweet salty sister

i’ve never said it aloud, so it comes out halting, lurching from me the way old ketchup blobbed from the glass bottles of my childhood. i don’t know where i think they are, our sons, their souls. i look for Finn, now, but i can sometimes barely feel him, like the connection is weak or […]

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