Sat 1 Dec 2007
right on cue, straight from December’s central casting, we had snow today, making the leftover pumpkin in my back porch look suddenly very out of place indeed. winter has begun.
it is the beginning of the dark season, of the advent creep through the darkness – through the wonderful, bare-bones nadir of solstice – back to light. it is a season of hibernation and turning inward…and, old carry over from a semi-religious childhood, of counting the December days off, one by one, enduring the wait ’til Christmas, ’til all the candles can be lit again.
lying awake in bed last night, unable to sleep for hormonal nosedive of sudden post-pregnancy, i smiled, wryly. i realized that – for once – i’ve got impeccable timing. the symbolism of the Christian advent – the hope of a child, a second coming – does not escape me. because this coming month will be cold-molasses slow…i can see that already, one day in. i am all aflurry, urgent, heart unwilling to accept the do not pass Go – return to start card crumpled in my hand. when i sleep i dream of babies floating by, slipping from my grasp. i waken, stricken, compelled. i fantasize about twins, like a crazy woman. waiting this month out, aching to start again, to leap back on the hamster wheel of hope, will be almost as agonizing as waiting for Christmas that year i was six and had my whole heart set on the magical wonderland of the Weeble Haunted House. almost.
and i know this is normal. i am resigned to a little crazy with my fruitcake over the next few weeks, in the eternity of waiting for things to settle, for a cycle to establish itself, for my body to do what it needs to in order to heal. and i hope in the process there will be some letting go, some lessening of the urgency. but in the meantime i will count out the days of December, like a child with an advent calendar of chocolate, walking out the long wait with good company and the comfort of treats. because treats, in our house, are a big deal…as you can see.