Comments on: no virgin-birthers need apply

By: daisies

daisies — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:47:07 +0000

hmmm … now it was over 13 years ago when i had my first son so bear with my poor memory, um … sex … what??!! there was a huge huge slump after having my son … between classes and baby stuff and second jobs for hubby, who on earth had the time, gosh ~ looking back, we were just babies ourselves it seems …

now after giving birth to the twins, i can tell you for sure that it was a long while before either of us were interested in going there. the pain of loss was too entwined with it all, the smell of them, the fact that just breathing took all of our energy in the beginning but yes it seems to me that we recovered that part of our life quicker and that was likely due to the fact that there wasn’t a newborn to look after 24/7 … interesting …

By: trish

trish — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 11:56:01 +0000

It hasn’t been much of a problem for us – sure there was a drought after my son arrived but more due to exhaustion and since my husband was exhausted too it was okay. We used to lie in bed and discuss wanting to have sex but not have the actual energy to follow through with it. The more sleep we’ve gotten, the more normal our sex lives have been. I guess I’m lucky that we matched each other so well.

By: Hannah

Hannah — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 22:38:23 +0000

I’m late to the “hen party” but boy, has this been a major issue for us. By the time I was about seven months pregnant with Isaac I just couldn’t have intercourse anymore – too much ligament pain, no positions were comfortable, couldn’t catch my breath, etc. And after bringing a 9lbs+ baby into the world, and tearing, and stitching… well, the thought of allowing my hubby anywhere near me filled me with dread. And I was breastfeeding. It’s taken some time to get the spark back – the sex is good when it happens but it’s certainly not very frequent, and I have to make a conscious effort to woo him, because he’s told me that I rejected him for various reasons (too tired, baby’s fussy, too much breastfeeding today) so many times that he hates initiating anything anymore.

When we decided to try for number two our sex life suddenly exploded – it was like removing the contraceptives made us both more sexual. We were at it like rabbits for a whole three weeks, until I got pregnant again. (Don’t hate me because I’m easily knocked up, please). And this pregnancy I find my libido generally pretty low, with the odd exception where I’m worse than a teenaged boy and very unreasonable about the whole thing.

At least we keep talking about it – but it is hard. And we’ve had some of our worst, lowest points over this issue. Great topic. Thanks for stimulating my brain after several days of wild overindulgence in turkey and laziness!

By: JoC

JoC — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 07:59:02 +0000

Great topic Bon! Wow. This is a hot button issue in my life. My hsb has always had a very high libido and mine is low with occasional peaks. I have recently found that most of my blocks are mental and/or emotional. That is, my body responds but my mind says “go away.” R (30mos) was colicky and remains a snuggly intense persistent personality. R needs a lot of my attention. Basically, my hsb is jealous of the attention my son gets. I am sure sometimes I do hide in my Momma role….

As someone else already commented, alone time helps. Exercise/physical activity helps. Dinner dates sans child help. Haven’t found “the trick” yet. Although, I bet Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice would help me get in the mood

By: FENICLE

FENICLE — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 04:57:55 +0000

That book sums up my life! (And our son is 5!) Oh my.

By: cinnamon gurl

cinnamon gurl — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 03:48:22 +0000

I wanted to comment when I first read this, but felt too shy. But since Mad let it all hang out (figuratively of course!), now I feel more comfortable joining in. Thanks, Mad!

We had droughts even before Swee’pea came along, thanks to a disparity in libidoes and and I think sex sort of became a battleground. It was I who had the higher libido and I felt like I wasn’t attractive enough, which made me turn on the pressure and guilt, which made him withdraw even further. Our longest drought was probably three months.

We fixed things up and things were pretty good through the pregnancy. I seem to recall a lot more activity during the second trimester than usual. Swee’pea was seven months old before we had sex again. He’s such a high maintenance sleeper that I’m not sure we ever had a moment without his being in one of our arms.

Anyways, things are a lot better now, although definitely more along the lines of a couple times a month and once in a while twice within a few days. Adult alone time is so precious that we both have other things we want to do as well so sex only happens when we’ve both met our needs for alone time. I very much identify with Mad’s “Can’t you find a good book?”

As a side note, I think motherhood has made more of an introvert than I used to be. I need a lot more time by myself than I used to.

By: Misty

Misty — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 00:35:01 +0000

Martin’s libido didn’t skip a beat, probably more to his surprise than mine. Neither did mine.
I cannot be more grateful for how easily child bearing has been for me. Both pregnancies were a breeze. I unfortunately gained 55lbs with Owen, but not even that stopped us. Both births went very smoothly. No rips, tears or stitches for either. Because of that, we had sex not 2 wks later.
Reiley was colicky and cried for 2 yrs. If I had been married then, I wouldn’t have been anywhere near my husband. When your baby is miserable, it’s nearly impossible not to be miserable yourself. Which isn’t exactly good for getting in the mood.
With Owen, he was good from the start. He ate, he slept, he had a schedule. No postpartum for me, and we triumphed in the bedroom.
So it seems that the difficulty in birth (and injury to mom) and the difficulty with baby after, seems to contribute more than anything else to the amount of sex. So couples should hope for an easy birth and baby, if for nothing else then sex.

By: emons

emons — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 22:34:27 +0000

well,i think its very different for everyone but what has to be considered is why doesnt sex take place soon after what do all this things mean.after i had my daughter i thought i wouldnt want to make love for at least a few months well that only lasted 12 days,i dont know what it was!!i think its because that is the sort of energy we were giving to eachother like it was so intense and joyfull and difficult that sex had a v.important place in that.i tore and had parts of my vulva misplaced,hey but i was somehow able to accept that,kind of,it took time.

By: Aliki

Aliki — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 17:48:15 +0000

Great post, bon.

I have to say my libido took a blow after L. was born. His birth was difficult, and life adjusting to such a high needs baby kept us tired and me teetering on the brink of emotional outbursts all the time!! But we really made an effort–even with co-sleeping we carved out our own space in the guest room and made it like a romantic getaway–we worked hard at it and then, you know, it all fell back into place once the traumatic first 6 months or so as a new parent were past.

Now, really, my libido is better than ever! Better than BEFORE we had kids. I attribute much of this to not being on the pill. I think BCP really messed with my libido and then, when we were trying to get pregnant both times I was thinking about THAT too much to enjoy it.

By: andrea

andrea — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 11:59:08 +0000

my twins are seven months old. I have noooo interest whatsoever. part of it is exhaustion from their frequent night wakings; part of it is, I suppose, hormonal, because I am breastfeeding the girls; part of it is because of a trust issue that cropped up when the girls were really little (no, not cheating …). and part is that because the few times it’s happened, despite copious amounts of lube is HURT. hurt in a way I’ve never experienced. I had a c-section, so it’s not that. I have no idea why it is painful.

I’m encouraged to read that other women’s libido returned after weaning. perhaps, perhaps. but I don’t plan to wean for another year or so unless the girls self-wean, so we’ll see. poor husband.