Fri 4 Jul 2008
true confessions
Posted by bon under stuff to be done
[29] Comments
i am all ascatter.
my work is mostly done…my formal work, my paid work. the paid part, at least, is totally done. there are still a few finishing touches i’ve committed to finishing up as freebies, just ’cause i get this nifty sense of validation from being involved in things that exist outside the four walls of my house. but these bits, these leftovers, languish now. there is no drive, no rush. after almost fifteen weeks on bedrest, i have actually unyoked myself from schedule, from the fetters of duty, from the little voice in my head that berates me with its ancestral refrains of Protestant Work Ethic virtues until i am compelled to accomplish, to complete, to drone away my days in busyness. i have sent the voice away on a whisky binge. i hope it is enjoying itself.
but i’m kinda lost without it.
i loll my way through my days, browsing the Baby Center naming boards, assembling photo albums, considering the abject state of my dish pile. having to lay around in the sunshine reading books and whiling away the hours hydrating myself with lemonade? um, yeh, it’s torture. ahem. or really, not at all. but that same little voice that ought to be soused by now on its whisky vacation still seems to have left an echo behind it, a hollow sound that eats at my pleasure in all this unaccustomed time just to Be.
i am more than capable of filling the time. but the fact that i spend half of it worrying that i’m not making the most of it and the other half trying to appear more productive than i really am suggests to me that i have a problem.
this morning i literally tripped over the root of the problem. it skittered away from me across the hardwood, and i sank into the couch and stared at it, revelation dawning. it was clear as a bell, and a beautiful blue. it told me, friends, that my life is not actually my own, to enjoy or squander as i wish. i have a colonized mind. my life, o lo my brothers and sisters, is a Thomas the Tank Engine episode, and the narrator is eager to get my lazy ass redeemed, already. my name is Bonnie and i am addicted to being a Really Useful Engine.
if you are not parent to a two-year-old boy, you may not be familiar with the smugly innocuous yet sanctimonious little morality plays that make up the backdrop to our waking moments here at chez crib – but if Oscar is awake and not eating, he can usually be found either carrying around a small blue train, begging to watch the same small blue train on YouTube or video, or demanding that someone read to him from his Big Thomas Book (a collection of righteous stories written – surprise! – by a post-war Protestant Reverend) or his Baby Thomas Book (a catalogue of Thomas products which Oscar’s parents could spend thousands of dollars to buy for him if only his mother were not so cheap and ironically Protestant in her attitudes towards material expenditures…and if she needed more things on the floor to trip over).
in nearly every Thomas episode, wayward Thomas gets distracted by mere petty enjoyment or vanity, and must be redeemed, brought back into the fold of industriousness by some mishap, train crash, or other teachable moment. the Sodor branch line which Thomas runs has a disturbing number of crashes and mishaps, to be frank – i would not suggest anyone book their next vacation with them.
but i have the sinking feeling i’ve done just that.
i am not sure when this conversion to the Church of Usefulness happened to me. i spent decades sleeping in, taking jobs in odd corners of the world because they offered a twenty-hour work week, drinking myself cheerful in seedy little bars and puzzling over obscure philosophy for fun, not credit. i still paid all my bills and was sober for all my classes, admittedly, but i was free from the internal compulsion to validate myself by busywork, by accomplishment, by checking things off the to-do list.
is this part of motherhood, or am i just a loony shut-in?
first meeting of Really Useful Engines Anonymous at, um, my house. soon. send help, wisdom, or at least some toothsome sweets.




July 4th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
i just love your writing, bon. and i hear you on both fronts. one of our boys is fascinated when t.t.t. comes on pbs (only on saturday mornings, must not inculcate him too early). but i sense a future adoption of the t.t.t. into our home.
on the busy front, when they actually nap together longer than 90 minutes, well, at that point i know not what to do with myself. i always crave me time, but squander it here when i get it. hmmm, must remedy.
July 4th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I loved this. Truly.
It was such a hard thing to learn to just be. To learn that I had worth, not from what I was doing, what I was accomplishing, but from simply being.
And it’s funny. In my own life, I am so often intolerant of those who only be, not do. I am such a do-er.
Thanks for these thoughts.
July 4th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Exactly. For these same reasons, I host a BBQ on July 4th and can’t stop myself from trying to figure out a way to defeat my swollen ankles so I can do more work.
PS – I call him “Thomas the moralizing, self-righteous jerk.”
July 4th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
oh the evil protestant work ethic…I have it in spades but can usually ignore it.
I always hated that show because every seemed drugged-not happy or mad, but conditioned or something. Very creepy. Although I love the little trains with pretend water in them and stuff like that.
Wow…holy admitted dorkdom batman.
July 4th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I’ll bring milk minties chocolates.
(The big, BIG box)
Your fellow useful-holic (who is chugging along, right beside you…)
CGF xo
July 4th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
So what do you call me? Feeling bad about procrastinating at work, feeling bad about not doing more at home, but prioritizing keeping track of online things over some of both? Though truth be told, I did do a bunch of things for the house when I could (a couple of weeks ago) and am now trying to figure out what I can get away with in my new somewhat-impaired state (post on the same forthcoming shortly). Heh– maybe I am just pissed at work politics and thus shortchanging actual work that needs to get done? Suddenly seems very likely. But I still feel bad about all of it, so I think I need that seat at your meeting…
July 5th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Same me a seat at that meeting, too. For me this sickness came well before motherhood, however. I still remember the sound of the garage door opening in my house growing up and jumping off the couch so that my stepmom wouldn’t see me in a slovenly state. It is hard to rest and be and have no checklist. Even on vacation I have many lists (meals, what to pack, what to see).
That Thomas, you are right about him. Poor train needs a serious vacation, one in which he’s allowed to disregard picking up school children or bailing out his fellow lazy engine friends. Perhaps we should all be working on an anti-Thomas book. “The Zen of Thomas?”
July 5th, 2008 at 3:32 am
Haa haa! My just turned 3 year old is all about Thomas right now and has been for about 4 days. He got hooked at a friends house starting with the books. Has not been interested up until now despite multiple exposures to train sets and obsessed friends… Anyway, We have been watching You Tube Thomas and after I read your post I saw it in a different light. Yes, Thomas deserves a vacation and you deserve relaxation without censure. Great post!!
July 5th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I think productivity is a bit of an addiction. Sure you’re fine without it before you know its sweet, sweet siren call… but once you taste the high of knowing you’ve accomplished something difficult, tangible, and measurable in cold hard cash, how can you go back?
July 5th, 2008 at 11:05 am
chugga chugga choo choo.
I am SO defined by my usefulness. Always unmoored without purpose.
July 5th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
If we lived closer, I would have a GIGANTIC box of Thomas to hand down to him. We’re through with ol’ Thomas in my house.
July 5th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Totally understand and sympathize. Whenever I re-read Little Women, I spend the next couple of weeks cataloging and “working on my faults.”
Want to spend some time industriously working on sorting my photos?
I keep thinking I’m going to get that done while I’m on maternity leave. Haha.
July 6th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
not in the least bit loony. I hate that I cannot buy a single 14$ shirt for myself (regardless of how much money remains in my pocket) without feeling quilty, because surely there is something the kids need more.
I also have a hard time just sitting. Raised in a family of traditional farmers….well your worth equals your productivity. Do nothing, not worth the shit out in the barn. At least that fertilizes.
I can’t say I was sober for all my classes, but I did attend. Motherhood has just brought this more to the forfront. In youth I was idle out of rebelious spirit.
Now, well, I know theres a chore somewhere to be done.
July 6th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Really Useful Engines Anonymous- sign me up! I think that That Guy might think I have completely lose my mind if I tell him I have to travel to Canada to meet with other women who put too much pressure on themselves to be useful all the time. But it sure would be fun!
I suppose that’s not a realistic plan, though. Or a particularly useful one. :::sighs::: Oh well, I guess I can eat cookies on my own!
July 6th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
My daughter has truly taught me the ‘art’ of being… and it truly is an art… and a true wonderful gift of living in the moment….
And just being….
Hardest thing I have ever learnt….
July 6th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I’m a mother of a female Thomas afficianado — until the age of 2.5 or so, she had a “security train” that went with her everywhere. We also have the videos and books, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the big book with poetry in it? Do you have that one? Actually employs different types of poetry, like ballad and haiku. So I’ve always held a soft spot for the spin-offs.
But I hear you. I’m one that must be walking around doing something while I’m brushing my teeth, and feel as though the last year and a half have been a waste of my space on earth. I now have Thomas-guilt. shoot me.
July 6th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
L-E-I-S-U-R-E?
What is this you speak of?
If you find the key to it, give me a shout.
July 6th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Oh my god Bon, you’re so funny. Thomas was great in our house while he lasted, but if you ever get tired of the bossy boilers overtaking every aspect of life – say, a year or so from now – there’s a surefire way to cleanse your house of the obsession. Spend several days constructing a homemade train table. I promise you: by Boxing Day, he’ll be like “Twains? What twains?”
July 7th, 2008 at 8:06 am
peep-peep … can we join you?
Duncan has put his James train right at the front door so he can pick it up the instant he gets home from nursery. And we’re all really-useful-engines in this house… both C and I have lost the ability to sit and relax and have a coffee. But there’s a part of me that loves my protestant work ethic and wouldn’t give it up for anything…
July 7th, 2008 at 9:23 am
We struggle with this all the time. My husband has always been one of industry. He simply must.be.doing.something.
I’ve never been that fond of work, but since becoming a mother 5 years ago, I find that I define myself by what I accomplish. Weekends, especially, are tough. How do we squeeze in fun? How do we put down shovel, paintbrush, sponge, detergent? How do we rest and relax?
It seems it’s a work in progress for us all.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:19 am
I need a seat at that meeting too. I’ll bring the dirt cake (has oreo’s in it…yummm). I do not feel like I’ve earned my right to exist unless I get everything on my list done on the weekends. And I’m slightly OCD and won’t let my hubby do things like folding laundry because I have to have it “just right” or I’ll redo it. Makes him crazy and makes me crazier but its like a compulsion and I can’t help it…
Next meeting for OCD’s anonymous?
July 7th, 2008 at 10:37 am
i would just like to share that all of you have warmed my warped little heart.
i too have a “way” of folding laundry. and a need to hang things on the clothesline just so…because a tidy clothesline, you know, is a sign of a virtuous soul.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Oh, please keep me posted on that meeting. I’ll bring the cookies! (made from scratch and perfectly decorated as Thomas, Percy, Gordon and co. Sheyeah, right!)
July 7th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
To be honest, Thomas drives me cranky.
If I were you, I will make lots of lists, lots of you-should-do/see/eat/go/visit/wear-before you die lists. But, in some way, I guess I do understand how you’re feeling. ((hugs))
Did you say names? Are we getting a vote on this one??
July 7th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
lol, Janis. Oscar wants to name the baby…wait for it…Thomas. or Toto, which is how he says Thomas.
it’s catchy, i’ll admit, but we are open to alternate suggestions.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
My daily battle…between productivity/ efficiency VS quality time/just being. Why is it that even though it’s an obvious answer as to who should win, I engage in this battle daily?
July 8th, 2008 at 8:53 am
I honestly have an issue with being “Really Useful” too. Can’t just seem to be alone in my head or just sitting and being. I read a book a few years called, “Being, Belonging, Doing” that really helped me to focus on what I was doing and where I needed to grow myself. Sounds like you are working on that as well.
P.S. You should get yourself to a Day out with Thomas. Loads of fun & lots of things to spend money on. do they have them up north?
July 8th, 2008 at 9:42 am
I think Bon, that children, in the words of Sir Tophem Hat, ’cause confusion and delay’. This breeds in the mother an insane need to strive for order and timeliness.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Since you said that you’re open to suggestions, how about, um, Thomasin? As in Native, The Return of the.