Tue 8 Jul 2008
kinship
Posted by bon under relationship stuff
[35] Comments
he called Sunday night, said he wanted to check on how i’m doing with the ongoing bedrest saga. you’re just jealous, i said, of me getting to do all this laying around.
no no, he laughed, i’ve got enough of that going on myself. it’s terrible.
it’s supposed to be nice tomorrow, i said. i think i’m in good enough shape to drive the whole fifteen minutes outside town. you want to lay around together?
and he responded with something Child Protection Services would not approve of a grandfather saying to his granddaughter, and we both laughed and winked on our respective ends of the phone line, this arch repartée as old for us as the dirty jokes he’s dragged out and dusted off for every family dinner since my grandmother died and left him a second childhood.
that was how i came to sunburn my legs yesterday afternoon, reclined on the porch of my grandfather’s old plywood cottage on the shore just opposite the finest homes this city has to offer. even the old tumbledown cottages over on our side of the river are sprucing up, despite the fact that the land is rented in perpetuity and no one will ever be permitted to buy…two new facades have sprung up where there were once weeds and rot and paint jobs older than i am. the cottage next door has been a peeling-yet-bright minty green for as long as i can remember. yesterday, suddenly, it was faced in subtle brick-red siding, tastefully trimmed, gutted, a new deck gracing the view over the cliff.
my grandfather and i leaned back in our respective lawnchairs like two old coots. we gossiped, talked of our aches and pains, wondered at the state of the world and a few of my relatives. we watched a duck dive for fish, and marvelled at how far they swim underwater. he smoked his cigar, most courteously, with his right hand so as to keep the fumes out from under my nose.
he’s eighty-eight. he fell this spring and tore the muscles down his back and they’re not healing. he still goes into work every morning, at the autobody shop, still works a bit on ambulances and grants inspection stickers, but mostly i think he oversees or just sits, because work is somewhere to be. i come by my Really Useful Engine propensities naturally.
by noon, these days, he cuts out and heads home or to the cottage, because the pain is too much. that he’ll admit it, too much, so frankly and without pity sets off a panicky fluttering in my gut. i have a sneaking suspicion that his “too much” would be my “kill me now.” but painkillers wreck his appetite and he’s already lost twenty pounds, and so he sits on the florid vinyl lawnchair pillow with an icepack stuffed into the back of his flappy pants and nurses a rum for a few hours and watches the water to see if it calms.
any other year, he’d have hoisted the inflatable dinghy over his head already and made his way down the twenty feet of stairs that cling to the red mud bank, his white chicken legs comical, and rowed out to the small power boat that’s moored just where the high tide floats the motor. and like the Pied Piper, his appearance would have caused children to materialize around the raft, clamouring to waterski and kneeboard, and the afternoon would have been spent zooming across the water in ever-patient arcs, the second and third generation of skiiers and boarders he’s taught to lift themselves out of the water and balance and spin and spray all trailing behind him.
but this year, only one kid came around, just to see if he needed to be rowed out to the boat, if he was planning on skiing. i smiled at the kid, just growing now into his man’s body, still gangly and awkward. i remember holding the same boy steady on the kneeboard when he was all of five or six, a wild little towhead who forgot to let go when he fell off and might’ve been scared silly except my grandfather took most of the rest of the afternoon to make sure he got a proper ride and wasn’t left fearful. he’s a bit of a sour kid, or has been the odd times i’ve caught sight of him in the intervening decade. but yesterday he was polite and considerate and i beamed at him, full of gratitude at his offer, his remembrance.
they did not go out on the water, though. my grandfather’d had his rum and the wind was up a bit. maybe tomorrow, he said. and i realized, with a start, that even if they do ski tomorrow i cannot. he taught me when i was eight, and i have skiied behind him almost thirty summers. but not this year…if my doc does not approve of walking, no waterskiing probably goes without saying. as does the maybe never again.
i pretended there was cigar smoke in my eyes.
and then we sat there in the breeze and kept each other company, a matched set of shut-ins parked in the sun, enjoying the afternoon in spite of ourselves. and i have not felt either so useful nor so understood in months.




July 8th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Usually a lurker, but I am so glad to hear that you had a nice afternoon although a little bittersweet. Soemtimes no one understands us like the Grandparents. I have this wonderful sort of relationship with my Ma-maw. Wishing you well.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
My god, woman, your writing (and thinking and feeling) just doesn’t quit. Can’t you write a crappy post??? Glad you had a nice afternoon. Wishing you many more skis behind him.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
This made me BAWL.
Great-Grandpa is 87 and all of a sudden he’s old and sleeps in an easy chair and it’s breaking my heart. But how lucky are you to have him right now, when you really need him.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
What a gift you have.
Thank you for sharing your Grandfather with us. They are a special breed, aren’t they?
July 8th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Bon this is such a wistful and wonderfully written post. I think many of your readers will be able to relate to the feelings you so eloquently describe. I know I do. You many not be able to have the joy of waterskiing with your grandfather at the moment, or maybe ever again as you say, but in a few months you will give him a beautiful little girl to revel over…and that, apart from being sheer delight, will have the bonus of being pain free for him as opposed to waterskiing. You ARE doing some important work!
July 9th, 2008 at 12:01 am
damn it Bon!! I am hiccuping I am crying so hard
July 9th, 2008 at 12:33 am
ooof. and you know why.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:20 am
This is such an exquisite post, bon, and such a fantastic piece of writing. I mean, I was sitting right there with you, cigar smoke in my eyes.
Simply beautiful.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I love this. You are both so lucky to have each other.
I was thinking, by the way, reading your post on being a Really Useful Engine and not knowing exactly what to do next to pass the time … is there anything that we can do to amuse you from BlogHer? Are you going in Second Life this year? It totally saved my sanity from bed last year … and I bet it would make Dave laugh.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:57 am
So lovely, and so wistful. My only surviving grandmother is not really herself most days now– late onset Alzheimer’s, it’s a bitch. I am so glad your grandpa is there with all the raunchy of his customary self.
And I do so hope there is a next year for you and him and that boat.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
It is so hard watching our parents and grandparents grow old.
July 9th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Why did I get a Far Side cartoon image of you behind the boat in my mind just then? Something with you, the doctor screaming from the shore, your grampy taking you for a perfect spin and baby girl wheeeing with delight
Enjoy the lawn chair, and the lovely company.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I lost my grandfather this year…I wish I had had an afternoon like that with him before he died.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
This is such a lovely post. I’m glad you have each other, and I hope there will be summers with waterskiing in the future for you together.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
that sounds like a splendid afternoon.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Selfish, selfish me, but I wish you would write a novel while you sit so I could devour it. But, I’m sure it’s not that easy, even if it seems like it would be for you, reading here.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Oh, Bon. you do heartache-beautiful.
Tears in my eyes, thinking of you and your grandpa. Big hugs.
July 9th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
If certain activities have to be off limits for the two of you, how delicious that you can pass the time together.
July 9th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Circumstances aside, I’m so glad you had such a wonderful experience. And that you shared it with me so I could sit at my desk and feel like I too was sitting on someone’s back deck enjoying the sun, the cool breeze, the cocktail and a moment with your grandpa.
Now why do I think if he just read that he’d make another social services inappropriate comment. Bad Grandpa!
July 9th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
because my humor doesn’t always translate electronically, let me just clarify that I was absolutely kidding, your grandfather sounds like a teriffic man and I’m so glad you had such a lovely time together.
July 9th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I envy you. Isn’t that perverse. I envy you. A grandfather, chicken legs and all…
July 9th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
This has prompted me to start composing a post about my grandfather. It’s all in my head right now but I hope I can do him justice – both the difficult aspects of him, and the good bits.
That’s the gift you gave me today by sharing this – you’ve inspired me.
July 10th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Beautiful post. It sounds like a lovely afternoon.
July 10th, 2008 at 9:53 am
someone seems to have lit a cigar in here, too.
July 10th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Wow, wow, wow.
yeah, De, cigar smoke everywhere….
I just lost my Grampy, special to so many, I was just one in a long line. But he was the one who laughed and smiled so easily. Who taught me how to laugh at myself.
Damn that smoke….
July 10th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
This made me tremble and tear. How lucky you are to have so vital a man by your side, still. And I’m sorry that you two have to rest, but oh, how lovely to rest together, right?
My grandmother declined sharply after breaking her hip a few years back. Dementia set in, and now she’s in a home. I just recently visited her, and she smiled at me and touched my hair, but could not say my name.
Okay, now I’m officially crying.
July 10th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Our grandfathers would probably rip each other to pieces in their similar feisty crotchety-ness. Except mine is legally blind, which doesn’t stop him from golfing or drinking scotch or going to Alaska for two weeks every summer to hang with kids younger than me who lead him on hikes. He’s also “slowing down,” in fact next week at 91, he’s finally having the slow-growing cancerous tumor removed that they discovered at 80 and thought would outlive him. They’re certainly inspiration on days I feel like I can’t possibly get off the couch. Usually he’ll call to say he just hedged his driveway, by himself, blind and all. Sigh.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:23 am
I agree with Cinnamon Gurl, are you not capable of writing a crappy post? Ever? This one knocked my socks OFF! Loved it. Every morsel.
To get a sunburn while on bedrest… that’s some sort of blessing, for sure.
July 11th, 2008 at 10:08 am
I don’t have a grandad left, but this made me sad for my grandmother.
Beautiful…what a character portrait you painted.
July 11th, 2008 at 11:15 am
i never had a grandfather to hang with. one was not in the picture, and the other died when i was three.
this post makes me miss what i never knew to miss.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I think this is a lovely portrait; I can understand why you got ‘cigar smoke’ in your eyes. It’s good that you can feel useful, simply by sitting and being. I’m sure you’re good for each other.
July 12th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I love that as I grow older, the hours and years between the people I love cease to matter.
July 13th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I bet that was so nice for him.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:37 am
A dear grandpa is a blessing and a half.
Feel my envy.
August 10th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Bon you captured it perfectly… Grandpa is still so full of life and stuck with the body that won’t let him live it anymore…this man taught me the scardy cat to ski, he taught my sons to kneeboard and ski…I’m so proud of him, as someone who never had a grandfather of my own, grandpa is something of a category of his own, thanks for sharing him with the world