i saw a beggar
leaning on his wooden crutch
he said to me
you must not ask for so much

and  a pretty woman
leaning in her darkened door
she cried to me
hey, why not ask for more?

– Bird on a Wire, Leonard Cohen

Josephine pulled herself up yesterday for the first time. i turned my head and there she was, looming precariously over the old wooden chest on trembling legs, laughing like a banshee and trying to bounce.

the old chest is a relic from our Korean days, with metal strapping for hinges and pointy metal studs on top. perhaps an alternate coffee table substitute is in order for the next few months.  she’s growing teeth fast, but not as fast as she could snap ’em off toddling ’round that hazard.

Oscar knows the names of all the dinosaurs, all of a sudden. we sing dinosaur songs to the tune of “I’m a Little Teapot, ” detailing the secret lives of the various species: who plods, who roars, who eats rotten meat. “I’m a Stegosaurus” is a particular favourite, not because stegosaurus is an especially interesting creature in and of itself, i don’t think, but because Oscar shares my affinity for rhythm, for the perfect fit of word to tune.

i will take him to the dentist with me this afternoon, for the first time.  this was the dentist’s idea, let me state for the record, in case he terrorizes the place while i’m stuck on a chair with tubes sucking spit from my throat.  but i don’t think he will, somehow.

they are growing up, these two.  part of me wishes wistfully for time to slow.  part of me hangs out the window like an eager dog, drooling as i peer into the wind, trying to see where we’re going.

in other news, i am researching tubal ligations.  Dave’s Big Snip got postponed…again. one of the only two urologists in the province has cancer, so the remaining doc’s practice has been suddenly overloaded.  if anyone has any caveats/personal experiences/information about tubals and particularly about their impact on women with predispositions to ovarian cysts, please share.

because i find myself suddenly done with the liminal state in which we’ve been floating since Posey was born, and i want a permanent solution, now. on this one front at least, i want to feel sure i can see where we’re going, be certain that there are no surprise turns in the road. so i can enjoy my, ahem, prime. erm, once i get just a little more sleep.

and i have another job interview tomorrow, this time in a department of the university i worked in back before Oscar was born. the position as they’ve advertised it fits tidily with my skill set, but seems limited in scope…i plan to try to go in and pitch the job i want to do, explain the vision i have for what the program could be, and see how the chips fall.

this scares the daylights out of me, of course. because i risk losing the competition by pushing too hard.

part of me figures if i’m not going to magically land in one of those nice mythical pensioned titles you can die in, then my absolutely next top choice, from a work-life balance perspective, would be to go back to this particular office at the university.  i like the people. i like the environment. once O switches to the university preschool this summer, Dave & Oscar & i would all be heading to one destination in the mornings…and Posey will be eligible for a sibling spot once he starts. plus my very best friend since junior high started working there last fall, as well. seriously. and the walls are made of candy. erm, no. but you get the picture.

part of me figures there is no point in me taking a job that does not challenge me, at this point in my life, no matter how pleasant the work environment.  i can make money doing freelance bits & bobs, researching and grant-writing and whatnot.  but to commit to an actual job…i want more from that. and i am afraid to ask for too much, at the same time.

i am hanging like a dog out the window, hoping not to get my head taken off, wondering if we’re there yet.