Thu 9 Jul 2009
days of wine & roses
Posted by bon under mama-baby stuff, milestone stuff, smitten stuff
[34] Comments
soon there will be no baby in this house.
she is blooming, this Posey, turning into a short person whose only speed is full ON and who goes from chewing on a shoe to sheer tragic starvation and an uncanny impersonation of a woman in labour in four seconds flat, all smiles and contentment and mmm, shoe to uh uh uh uh aaaaaagggghhhh!!!! with a gusto that announces her as a presence.
she is the age when the answer to all her sorrows is a baby cracker or something even the teensiest bit stable so she can stand and bounce. just those small things, and joy abounds. a familiar face nearby, and her blue eyes will crinkle and say, oh, there you are and in that moment you will preen and know your life has purpose.
mostly my purpose seems to be to keep her from choking herself to death on every single last scrap of anything anybody ever dropped on any surface within two-and-a-half feet of the floor. that and to taunt her mercilessly with the glorious blue light that encircles the laptop’s power cord plugin, currently in her estimation the most interesting thing in the house bar none. toys schmoys. rescuring my poor beleagured laptop from her enthusiastic attentions has made my days an elaborate game of keepaway.
i get nothing done when she’s awake, except when i strap her in the mei tai and we clean the kitchen or venture out into the frigid garden to weed. (honest to god, July, you’re just not pulling your weight around here. we had frost. frost. i had to put her coat on yesterday to take her for a walk. at noon. in the “sunshine”.)
by nothing, of course, i really mean no writing. she is a hands-on girl. and my hands grow weary from conveying the nos, the danger, the constant circuit of let me remove this from your determined wee grasp and let me change that bum before you launch yourself across the room like a pudgy torpedo. my hands grow itchy to type the internal monologue that i too often forget to share with her.
having let one baby go with these hands and watched the next sprout into a full-blown manchild seemingly overnight, i should be holding this one while i can. except, of course, she does not want to be held, not too long. she wants to scoot, to cruise, to discover, to literally taste the world.
babies don’t keep. i squander the starry eyes that follow me as i try to sneak a minute on the computer before she marauds it yet again, i waste these last days of her infancy home here with me folding the fucking laundry. again.
we push and pull against each other, Josephine and i, our dance a tender one in which each tries to escape being subsumed by the other. i have known from the moment she was placed in my arms that she was my last baby, my longed-for girl. i have known, too, when i’ve been honest, that the privilege of the year at home with her would be a strange journey for me, a hard slog of patience and attention to minutiae and a selflessness that does not come easy. the days are long but the years fast, goes the proverb, and it sums up babyhood for me. for all my abiding love for her, i struggle to be a baby mother. for every time i play pat-a-cake and stack the little rings on the stick, there is another when i am trying to clean things she’s yet too young to help me with, or read things that don’t have cardboard pages. yet somewhere inside, i am trying to burn her on my memory so that someday i can look back, wistful and unfettered by the guilt of reality, and believe that these storied days of wine and roses had no thorns, no outbursts of “mother of GAWD is it too early to drink?”
and still as it slips through my fingers i grieve.
because she turns her own hands up to me when she wakes, even deep from sleep. i creep in to where she breathes and curls into herself in her sleep sack, fat hand tight ’round her bunny, and i watch her and realize she will never remember these days and each time i am struck by the singularity of it all, these moments of beauty that only i see, that only i in all the world get…and the universality of the motif, the recognition that this is what it is to be a mother. in the dark of her room, i bear witness to her, to now, to this, the stuff of our days that is only mine to register.
i brush her wispy head and murmur tenderness and her arms open to me and a little smile crosses her bleary face. i reach for her and heft her from the crib and she pushes her head into my neck, soft hairs tickling, and we rock, for one moment in the same rhythm, both pulling close, made whole by the other. she smells of milk, slightly sour and sweet and plump, and i grow sticky and soft with love and gratitude.
someday if memories fade and warp, this is one i hope i hold to, get lost in, get to live again just one more time.
because soon they will be gone until those someday sojourns of old age, these moments when the laundry and the lure of the world and the web fall away, when i could spend an eternity standing and rocking my last baby, cheek to cheek.
soon. but not quite yet.




July 9th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Oh dear you are making me weep because I too am hormonal and saying goodbye to the baby in my little guy.
“Babies don’t keep.” Love it. Only the most delicious of things spoil–the strawberries and cream and the fresh bread and butter–if you don’t gobble them up.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I needed this today, because all this week I’ve been in a fever of “my god, I don’t think I can be home with these kids anymore” and just feeling like every. single. day. is a suckpile of trains and dishes and sweeping and diapers.
And I’m sinking into self-loathing and sadness and I’m wishing their childhood away.
Thank you for reminding me why I’m doing this. Even when it’s hard.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Oh good lord you just made me cry. My baby girl is only five months old but already I can see the independent beautiful child she is going to be.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
i miss those days so much. and you’re right, from this vantage point all i can see about them are the wine and roses.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
So beautiful.
July is not pulling its weight around here either.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
This made me smile.
I still rock Ros the odd time, and call her my baby. She isn’t, nearing 4.5, but I miss that soft cheek and even those irritating little clawed hands.
Too fast. But you will, very much, remember, at the oddest of times. Those times are sweet like candy.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
I love this as much as I adore the woman who writes these words. So beautiful and poignant.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
love this. on a day when i am having panic attacks because my 4 yr old is about to start pre-k FULL TIME and my little 14 mth old girl is walking. they do grow so fast. thank you.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
A very vivid glimpse in to what could have been. What should have been.
Beautiful.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Gasp. A cousin-like motherhood current ran through me, funny that I got here today, so primed for this ache.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I have no babies left. None at all. My youngest child is four and my oldest child is hovering on the edge of puberty.
And is it breaking my freaking HEART?
Oh, you betcha.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Rolling you around in my brain like you swish wine in your mouth to get every corner of taste. xo
July 9th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
(That was totally perverted and I’m alright with that.)
July 10th, 2009 at 1:03 am
yes….i could echo most of these thoughts and feelings as my own over the years.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:39 am
Beautiful, bon.
July 10th, 2009 at 2:24 am
i know, i know, oh, how i now know. kiss your pretty posey for me, will you? i miss my babies but love my boys
July 10th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Tears stand in my eyes and threaten to boil over when I consider that last sentiment. I wish I knew how to enjoy the NOW more, but I feel as if I have wasted too much time already. Is it too late to revel in their babyness?
July 10th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Can I just say that, I want you published in a book so I dont have to fight my infant’s pull to that “glorious blue light that encircles the laptop’s power cord plugin, currently in her estimation the most interesting thing in the house bar none.” I can tape pages of a book back together. I cannot afford to repair or replace my laptop.
You see it seems that “mostly my purpose seems to be to keep [him] from choking [himself] to death on every single last scrap of anything anybody ever dropped on any surface within two-and-a-half feet of the floor.” Including a STICKER!!! And I need to know that I am not alone in the good grief isn’t this stage over yet and the can’t this last just a little bit longer. And getting in touch with the profound love and gratitude…
July 12th, 2009 at 12:54 am
This post was so tender. I watched my own daughter run across the playground today. It suddenly hit me…she no longer has the waddle of infancy. She is starting to run like a little girl. It caused this thud against my ribcage, and I had to catch my breath. I often worry about the day that do not want to fill up my lap or my arms. I can only imagine it must be like losing a limb, a body part, extracting your own beating heart. But, as you said…not yet. If only I could Peter Pan them, sigh!
July 13th, 2009 at 2:00 am
Sometimes I think the reason I take so many pictures is to prove to myself that these precious days really happened, to hold for the future when my little boys won’t remember.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
And in response to your comment, the hormonal state is not a transitory thing for me. Call me lump.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
How beautiful. Today was a long, long (long!) day here. And yet, as soon as I shut her door behind me after stories and snuggles, I wanted to walk back in and just sit beside her crib and watch her fall asleep. And listen to her breathe. And be thankful.
July 14th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
This is beautiful.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
You have me absolutely heart broken, Bon. My “baby” turned 4 this year, and it makes me ache to realize that I no longer have someone in the house who is content to spend her days pulling up on furniture and then trying to figure out how to get down again.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
this made me cry…not weep…cry
I had a struggle with my time at home too…I remember the hours being too long and yet the time was too fleeting. Being about a year removed, I now have such a different perspective. If I am lucky enough to have a 2nd, I wonder how if the experience will be any different.
Oh…and can you tell me when the danger-avoidance days should come to an end? Honestly, I will NOT miss wrangling power cords out of grubby little hands…or will I?
July 14th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I think I foundyou off anymommy a while back. I love this post, it reminds me of my own struggles as a mama. My baby is 17 months and at a stage that is exhausting. Mostly I can’t wait to get past the baby stages, especially with an older sister, so we can do more. But then I see a baby and realize some of those moments with mine are long gone. Watching them grow is certainly bittersweet.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:20 am
My God Bon, you know how to put things into words. It’s what we feel, we mothers, the pull and push. We want our little ones to stay so little and yet, we want them to grow and be able to do.
The end of babyhood is neigh for both of us, sad, huh?
July 15th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Sigh. I am coming through these days with my littlest too, and they are sweet and lovely and zipping by me while I cry because I don’t have enough time or energy to write. Ahhhhh. Last days of my last baby… ahhhhhhhh.
July 16th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
July 18th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I was finally able to read this today and I still sobbed. I’m not a good baby mommy either, even as I treasure it, even as every single day with my last tiny baby seems bittersweet, I’m impatient. I want my hands free, but I don’t. I want quiet, but I don’t. There’s no winning, only living it.
“and still as it slips through my fingers i grieve.” So do I. I mentioned it to my midwife yesterday at my three week check up. I told her I was insane and I had a three week old baby and I couldn’t enjoy it for mourning it as the last time. She teared up. She said she had never struggled so much as she did when they decided her 3-yr-old was their last. I asked if her job didn’t soften it a bit and she said no, not even a little.
I don’t know why, but it was so comforting. I guess because I left feeling like grief in such joy is a normal thing?
Book. Sorry. This was gorgeous and obviously struck a huge chord in me.
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:41 am
oh my god, yes. yes. and, yes.
July 28th, 2009 at 1:45 am
I stumbled upon your beautiful blog from Mommy Loves Vodka. I have a seven week old little baby- I have been having a tough time being home and it seems like all I do is breastfeed the little guy- some days I get so frustrated- this post made me cry-
I am going to try to hold onto these days as I only have another month before I have to go back to school- I find myself wanting to fast forward time, but I know I will never get these days back- thank you for reminding me to treasure each day as it goes so fast!
July 29th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I am a 59 year old father who now hopes for that same baby feeling but with grandchildren. I echo the sentiments of many, Bon. The jewels that glisten in this blog need to be compiled in a book. There will be a time, hopefully 20 years from now, when I will be rocking in my chair at a loss for images of the past and I will need/want the clarity of your words. Once again thank you. Peace and love to you and your family.
July 31st, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Good gracious girl you need to stop making my heart ache.
But, really, I don’t want you to stop. Your words, images and insights resonate deep within and help me to see another side. It’s good. So very good.