Wed 24 Feb 2010
hitler has only got one ball
Posted by bon under relationship stuff, stuff to be done
[32] Comments
my grandfather is back in the hospital.
for two weeks, he was out. in a community care facility, a convalescent ward carved out of the old, cavernous, high-ceilinged Protestant hospital where i drew my first breaths. decommissioned thirty years ago in the name of ecumenism, the place has been relegated to the old and the frail: we newly non-sectarian citizens gained a modern, Star Trek-style facility in the bargain. but i remember the old hospital from childhood, my grandmother and i trolling the rabbit-warren halls and narrow doorways with the Ladies Auxiliary snack cart, great workers for the cause. there is a big new plasma tv where the canteen used to be: i glance to that corner and see both, equally present, shadows competing.
he had a roommate named Chuck, a retired RCMP officer. they watched Jeopardy, and Chuck liked to pronounce on the failings of modern society. i snapped out answers on American lit before Alex Trebek had the questions out of his mouth, so Chuck approved of me, grudgingly. and my grandfather sat in his contraband LaZboy, shifting from side to side to ease his bedsores. he ate licorice, shared freely. Oscar liked to visit. Grandpa was walking to the common room for meals, getting speedy with his cane. they came very close to sending him home. we all held our breath, uncertain.
then, a week ago, a midnight run in an ambulance, back to the “new” thirty-year-old hospital, the one with actual nurses and meds and doctors. congestive heart failure again, and one arm swollen up like a football, red and hot and angry. cellulitis. antibiotics. catheter and IV and no appetite, once again. he lay in the bed, small and crooked, white waxy-ice feet poking out from the bottom of the sheet.
i asked. he nodded permission.
when you go back to the hospital, the pretense of being able to do it yourself drops away. i picked up those waxy, frozen, narrow feet, the nails yellow as horn, and gently rubbed them, mindful of small sores and broken skin.
and just like that, we stepped beyond a veil that has separated us for nearly four decades, since i was last a bare-assed infant in his presence.
cream for his thin legs, his wide back, scabbed from skin degeneration. the arms, one big as Popeye’s. my hands in his soft hair, only gone white these last few years, straight as a pin and cowlicked. i held his teeth in my hands and marvelled at the oddity of dentures, a whole generation plucked jaw-clean. for the first time in my life, i saw his face naked of glasses and teeth, and smiled to realize i still know him under all that i had not recognized as artifice.
he held himself with grace, accepting this breach, this intimacy.
the line around us all is invisible. we construct it for our children as it was constructed for us, strengthening it with each step away from diapers. we make it sacrosanct and powerful, and if we do our jobs well it holds their small but burgeoning bodies as we ourselves are held – unwitting within its iron boundary for decades. we pour energy and identity into protecting it, equating it with worth, making it a requisite of pride. we hide our waste, our blood, our wetnesses. this is what it means to be an adult.
we live in bodies and pretend they are private, machine-like. we prefer not to acknowledge we were ever cast from the Garden of Eden.
for most of us, only in childbirth, illness, old age, do we find ourselves naked and exposed in all our human vulnerability. if we are lucky, it is a fleeting thing. if we are not, we must shift, find a way to continue to live without the invisible garment of privacy protecting us.
to grow old and frail is to be stripped of the privilege of hiding from the unspeakable shame of…ourselves.
to be alongside someone facing their own decline is to be stripped of the comfort of that privacy. but also of the lie that independence is a necessary part of dignity.
that is the gift, if you can stay and not look away.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
my grandfather is a WWII vet. when i was a little girl, his stories of the war were still under oath, still secreted away, parceled out only in small, screened nibbles. i knew he had been a spy, knew a little about places he’d been, though Yugoslavia or Tehran or San Francisco were no more real to me then than Disneyland, and less interesting. what i did like, and he shared freely, to the eternal tightlipped disapproval of my dourly beloved grandmother Hilda, was Colonel Bogey.
if you have ever seen A Bridge on the River Kwai, you’ve heard Colonel Bogey.
whistled, it’s a jaunty tune, a wartime march. it was written in 1914, and was a million-seller, but somewhere between the two wars it took on a whole other life as a jolly, vulgar insult ditty, in the vein of “I Don’t Know but I Been Told” and rugby songs of all stripes.
the version my grandfather taught me goes like this:
Hitler has only got one ball
Goerring has two balls but they’re small
Himmler has something similar
and Doctor Goebbels has no balls at all
(la da da da da….)
no one can say my childhood was not rich in history.
the other night at the hospital, after my grandfather’s skin was creamed and his feet covered, i realized that i had no clue how to lift him safely and properly back toward towards the upper middle of his fancy Craftmatic, which, when lowered, had unceremoniously slumped him down towards its own left foot. with the IV and the catheter and the oxygen tubes all protruding, and his arm swollen and tender, he wasn’t able to maneuver far on his own. i called the nurse.
she came in, prompt and kind, and pointed out to me the blue pad underneath him. she and i positioned ourselves on either side of the bed and tugged upward. he came easily. he is not heavy now.
his johnny shirt, caught under him below the pad, came easily too. a little too easily. and though my brain shrieked don’t look Bonnie!, just like a personal Ray Stevens novelty-track in the back of my mind, my eyes were not so quick.
there are things a granddaughter ain’t supposed to see, in this life. we all know it. i still saw. and he knew, and i knew he knew.
the nurse covered him swiftly, all business-like. she walked away. i smiled at him, swallowing my own embarrassment. i asked if he was comfortable.
he met my eyes, grave and present. i looked back at him and decided if he can live without the veil, so can i.
i’m good, dear, he said. thank you. then he paused, sized me up, made the joke he couldn’t resist. and nope, i’m no German.
he winked at me and began to whistle Colonel Bogey, his good hand dancing, conducting the march.




February 24th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
That was magnificent. Poignant, charming and also very funny. Thank you.
February 24th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
That was lovely and poignant bon. I don’t post often anymore, but I think of you and your grandpa regularly. You are in my prayers.
February 24th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Bon…at her very best…both on and off the written page. You and your grandfather are both in my thoughts.
February 24th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
I differ with you on one opinion or rather I have something to add to your list. We are “naked and exposed in all our human vulnerability” in childbirth, illness, and old age yes. But also for some of us when we find the other half of our heart, our life’s partner. And the acceptance we find there – or struggle to believe such acceptance – makes the discovery of humanness incredible and sweet.
I find my well of eloquence more rarely than a blue moon while yours gushes like a perpetual fountain. But please stop – please. I’m not sure crying and laughing in the same post is good for me. (-:
February 24th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Gorgeous and both heart-breaking and heart-healing at once – that the end of life can be a time when one is still loved, when one is still oneself and still part of a family is a beautiful thing. Sad and beauty and how life is meant to be, I think.
February 24th, 2010 at 4:32 pm
Your grandfather is a great, great man. And this is a terrific tribute.
What you say about the boundary is very true and crossing it always frightens me because I know what is coming.
And we learned the second line ‘Goerring has two but they are very small’.
February 24th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
this post has nearly did my heart in and the tears are coming fast. if only i could rub cream into the soles of my grandmother’s feet. if only, if only…
lovely, lovely post. give your grandfather a big hug and tell him it is from an admirer in the states.
xo
February 24th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Great guy. Great post. I wish him well.
February 24th, 2010 at 6:20 pm
I’ll bet you get so sick of hearing how dumbstruck I am everytime I visit this corner of yours. I’ll bet they’re tired, really, my declarations of being moved by your writing. But Oh, Bon, these posts about your Grandfather are absolutely my favorite. I wish they were bound so that I could sit down with them and turn the pages. You know, I hope, because I’ve said it so many times before, but you are an uncommonly good writer. And more importantly, an uncommonly good grandaughter (mother/daughter/etc…)
February 24th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
This post touched me very personally. (So much so that the tears are coming!) I spent a lot of time with my grandfather in the nursing home in the weeks before he passed. I remember the thin skin, the sores, the helplessness of him.
It’s wonderful that you get to spend this time with him. I will always treasure the time I had with my grandfather, however awkward and delicate it might have been at the time.
February 24th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
I hope I’m not being insensitive or obtrusive. But this post made me think of a photography project I saw on Shutter Sisters in December. I had to go dig and find the link so I could share it with you. Not that your stories are the same, but maybe parallel, and I am exploring the comfort of being seen while avoiding the shame of being exposed. I’m finding that a lot of that comfort comes from familiarity or a sense of common ground. Anyway…the link:
http://www.dayswithmyfather.com/
February 24th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
This is so tender. So sweet. With a burst of raucous laughter at the end. Because I too have accidentally seen what no granddaughter should see – and lived. And had to convince my grandpa he should a. wear longer swimshorts b. wear the kind with a net.
February 24th, 2010 at 9:05 pm
Here’s one for you.
Whistle while you work
Hitler was a jerk
Mussolini bit his weenie
now it doesn’t work
Maybe your grandad would like that one. Compliments of Josh!
February 24th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
I’m sending this to my parents tonight. They need this, as I did. Heart bursting for you and for your grandfather, Bon.
xo
February 24th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
Oh! I love your grandpa!
February 24th, 2010 at 11:49 pm
THIS is great writing.
February 25th, 2010 at 2:24 am
i forget sometimes that other people do not see the things that i see all the time. in my presence, my patients will usually drop trou without a blink because they are sick and i am the professional. but they are not my family…family is so very different.
man, your grandfather is one wonderful man. just wonderful.
February 25th, 2010 at 3:18 am
These posts about your grandfather make me want to cheer for the way you care for him while upholding his dignity, how a role reversal doesn’t need to mean loss of respect. And this post is simply perfect, beginning, middle, and end.
February 25th, 2010 at 9:50 am
Laughing through tears. Your grandfather’s internal strength transcends his physical vulnerability, and this freedom is made possible by your willingness to see him so. Isn’t it marvelous, beautiful.
February 25th, 2010 at 11:49 am
I think I’ll now be singing the song about the continental soldier (do your balls hang low?) all day.
We rubbed my mother’s feet with a gardener’s hand cream from Crabtree&Evelyn. I can conjure the scent up even now. She too had “waxy, frozen, narrow feet” with yellowed nails.
Thank you for bringing that back to me.
February 26th, 2010 at 1:21 am
oh, bon. lovely you. and your grandfather’s a pip.
February 26th, 2010 at 3:26 am
much love sent your way, Bon. This is such a beautiful post, funny, and a tear-jerker. xo
February 26th, 2010 at 8:02 am
This is so lovely, Bon. I felt this way about our physical beings when my dad died, but I couldn’t find these words.
February 27th, 2010 at 12:08 pm
How blessed you are to have each other and to have that connection. Thank you for leaving me with a knowing smile.
February 27th, 2010 at 3:18 pm
I love your grandfather!
February 28th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
I believe I held my breath while reading much of that post, because it is just so flawless and lovely. I let out an “Oh!” at the beauty of your description of the simple comforts you are providing for your grandfather…what a heart you have. What love. I’m a physical therapist in a nursing home (perhaps we are called physiotherapists where you are?) so your words are especially meaningful to me. How difficult it is for one to lose their independence, how difficult it is to be present and care for one who is in the process of losing, and to still preserve their dignity… All difficult, but such gift is present, if we are able to see it. Amazing. Thank you for sharing the last bit too. He sounds like quite the character, your grandpa.
Tina (recently discovered your blog via Sweet/Salty–who is also flawless and lovely, in my opinion)
March 1st, 2010 at 12:09 pm
I would like to know if you shouted out those American Lit answers in the form of a question?
No, no. That’s not really what I wanted my comment to be. But I find myself gravitating toward the funny even as my eyes burn a bit from the salt and water. Perhaps it’s because I’m remembering my grandmother’s arm, and rubbing it, and her hair, still soft. But I also remember how grateful we were that her dementia made her laugh. All the time. Laugh. Compared to the other things it could do, we felt this a huge mercy.
You and your grandfather are lucky to have one another.
March 1st, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Wow. I am not sure whether your writing or his sense of humor gets me the most here.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:41 am
Bless him.
And you.
I say this without any God-backing. I say this believing only in the angels on our shoulders. I say it believing we make our own Paradises and cast ourselves out of our own Edens here and now. It is all we know we have for sure.
Lifting or simply acknowledging the veil, well, it is the honest thing to do. A man of your grandfather’s caliber deserves to meet your gaze however momentarily scotched you might both be feeling. Dignity is a hard thing to come by in those places. You are giving him that.
Thank you for this post. You have heartened me as I prepare to accompany my grandmother on a similar journey.
March 4th, 2010 at 10:27 am
I have just helped my mother through her end of life experience. What stays with me from those days of oddly slowed time and middle of the night care-taking: how privileged it felt to be able tend to her and how important it was to do this without fuss and shame and embarrassment, but just to do it with love. It was extremely intimate, this time we shared together. I won’t ever forget it.
March 11th, 2010 at 3:25 am
i think i need to print this out. i wrestled my yelling uncle in and out of the shower for 25 minutes a few weeks ago. (even a year ago i wouldn’t have believed that sentence). the veil- if the only one left for him- is his dementia. at least that, i suppose, for his sake.
one of the best things about having a caregiver is the protection of his privacy and dignity- but still. there are still some days when you wrestle the naked old man that you once knew. and go have a good long cry afterwards.
May 19th, 2010 at 12:46 am
extraordinary writing.