Mon 24 May 2010
the Lysander
Posted by bon under issue stuff, stuff stuff
[18] Comments
it ought to be perfect.
there are steel rails installed, by the toilet and the shower. the LaZBoy throne has been replaced by a marvel which – at the touch of a button – deposits him from its egg-carton-cushy-foam seat onto his feet, and gently. there is a hospital bed in the master bedroom. nurses come daily, to take his blood pressure, check for bedsores, make sure he is nourished and cleaned and supported.
my grandfather is home. after almost four months of hospitalization and convalescent wards, he has come home well enough to stay.
he ensconced himself on the fancy new recliner and with an ancient Zippo, lid aflame like an Olympic torch, lit up the cigar that he kept in his bedside drawer the entire time he was gone.
and then he asked for the keys to the truck.
***
during the long days of January and February, when he lay in bed, one arm swollen to the size of a football, and his skin and circulation breaking down faster even than his heart appeared to be, he was confused a lot of the time.
i would visit, and he’d ask how my father was, even though my father was there every day. he asked his own room number over and over again. he seemed unable, a great deal of the time, to hold his moorings: the day-to-day that had been his life for years appeared to slip from him. we did not talk about his house or his job.
what we talked about was the Lysander.
my grandfather, a farm boy from PEI, was a British agent from 1939-1949. he spent WWII and the early years of the Cold War between Camp X and Bletchley Park and occupied Europe, with homebase in NYC.
he spent half his war in planes.
in lumbering matte-black Lysanders, unmarked, navigating by moonlight, they flew perched on trunks of plastic explosive. they smoked as they flew. they made their way over enemy territory, readying themselves to parachute behind lines to Tito’s resistance, to the Free French.
the Lysander was an ungainly thing, but it could take off on ten feet of runway or less, a hulk of engines and fabric rising into the sky like a fat bird. during WWII, its main role was with intelligence, dropping agents and doing photo reconnaissance. it was no good for bombs, too slow for fighting. but it was steady, reliable. it could be flown by any agent who made it alive to the pre-agreed point of takeoff. and a Lysander brought my grandfather home safely.
in June, an airshow on PEI will feature a reconstructed Lysander, air-ready. before the heart attack in January, my grandfather was contacted by the organizers. would he like to fly in the plane? he would.
he thought, i think, that he’d like to fly the plane again.
and so all through the confused days of the winter it was the Lysander we returned to. he did not worry – aloud – that he would not make it to see the plane, but rather that he would not be able to climb in. that he would not be well enough to go up in her.
mostly, though, he told me that he could fly her.
he last flew a plane only three years ago, with his equally octegenarian buddy. the event made me wonder if i ought to warn the whole of Prince Edward Island to take to their basements while the cast of Grumpy Old Men ruled the skies.
but it is different now. for the first time in his life, his body has failed him, showed its vulnerability. he knows he will not fly the Lysander, ever again. and he curses being old.
***
there is a service that brings meals, as do i, and my stepmother. but the restaurant he ate at daily for 21 years – the one that burnt last spring – has reopened. my father brought him back the first time, while he was still on the convalescent ward, frail but triumphal. he was welcomed like a prodigal.
the diner is down the road from his house. and he drives. when we arranged last week to meet there for supper, he said, “i’ll meet you there!”
i balked. we can pick you up! i chirped. we have extra seats in the new car!
“oh, i’m good.” his tone brooked no argument. “i drive down most nights.”
he is perhaps no more dangerous a driver than i. i do not know. i know the idea of him behind the wheel still makes me terribly nervous, Cassandra attuned to all the doom the horizon can hold. it is not him i fear for. it is the someone else the candy apple truck could run into: the lives – theirs, his, all of ours – that such a tragedy would eat away at. if he is no longer independent, then we are all complicit.
this week, he will take his provincial driving test again, for the first time in seven decades. they have endowed family doctors with the capacity to order driving tests for seniors, finally. after having watched the fierce struggle between my mother and my grandmother fifteen years ago, when it became clear that at eighty-nine, the latter was no longer safe to commandeer her Datsun through the streets of Charlottetown, i am grateful that my father does not have to fight the same battle with his father.
but i fight it in myself.
i fear he will ace the test, come home with a bright, shiny license and no place for any of us to stand and caution. and i fear what will happen to him if he does not. i grieve the idea of him trapped in his house, waiting for others to wait on him.
he is ninety. he will never fly his Lysander again.
i know there is no such thing as perfect. and still, i feel cold and cruel for wanting to take his truck too.
18 Responses to “ the Lysander ”
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Trackback from davecormier (dave cormier)
May 24th, 2010 at 12:59 pm
RT @cribchronicles: on independence & complicity: [link to post] -
Trackback from cribchronicles (Bonnie Stewart)
May 24th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
i don’t think he should drive. or fly. but the loss of it all is still a quiet tragedy. [link to post] -
Trackback from cribchronicles (Bonnie Stewart)
May 24th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
on independence & complicity: [link to post] -
Trackback from dlnorman (D'Arcy Norman)
May 24th, 2010 at 2:05 pm
@cribchronicles I hear you. I get to try to convince my parents to sell their home today. not going to be a fun conversation. -
Trackback from cribchronicles (Bonnie Stewart)
May 26th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
my grandfather’s driving test is in 20 minutes [link to post] here’s hoping he tries to pop a wheelie?




May 24th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
I know exactly how you feel. My grandfather is 80, but a well worn 80. Hes been driving since hes 8 years old according to him. And I believe him. He drops my grandmother off at the senior center and drives to work to his mechanic shop every morning. His license was due to expire last year and he was so nervous the DMV wouldnt let him renew that he pretended to lose the license and just ordered a new one, hoping the dates would be magically changed. It didnt work out this way, so he went in to renew, expecting a series of tests, including the eye exam that would surely foil him . Well, he got “lucky” and got a super nice DMV employee(or someone in a rush to go on break)and they didnt ask for anything. For the first time in his life he was happy at government employees. I feel somewhat relieved knowing that at least he is aware of his shortcomings, hopefully making him extra careful. But I still freak out at the thought of his 3 mile drive to work and back at rush hour :(
May 24th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
It is sad, the loss of independence, but of course it is necessary. My husband’s nana, she was a terrifying driver. She rear-ended several people. “Some IDIOT was just stopped there!” she would say. Yes, stopped at a red light. My MIL talked Nana’s doctor into taking away her license, with no driver’s test. It was terribly relieving but yet Nana talked incessantly of how she missed being able to drive, she hated having to rely on cabs and other people. But yet it was only a matter of time before she hurt someone.
May 24th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
dear lord, he sounds like a fine old coot. the loss of independence as one grows old is indeed a hard thing.
May 24th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
It is hard. This hard fought for return to (almost) independent living. I have worked on a hospital ward where we specialized in rehab for frail elders. The goal was always to return them to their own home.(BTW: no admittance if there was no hope). Yet, as you mention there were always losses even if they win the “lotto” and actually did meet that sometimes lofty goal. I like your term “quiet losses” very descriptive. I currently work on a ward where there is a lot of delirium (side effect from infections or meds). It is always interesting what things are mentioned. I have yet to hear about Lysanders myself. Thank you for sharing.
May 24th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
A few years ago my brother, who was home from grad school over the winter break, had a conversation with grandma where she told him that people shouldn’t be allowed to drive white cars in the winter because they were too hard to see. Uh-oh, we all thought. She doesn’t drive now, but she misses it, and it took all of her kids meeting and confronting her to get her to relinquish the keys.
If it were just driving it wouldn’t be so huge, but the independence, the waiting for help – it’s just hard.
I hope he gets to see the reconstructed Lysander.
May 24th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
My grandfather, too, was involved in the war. He was a sailor, and though he never crossed the Atlantic (as far as I know, he didn’t talk about it much . . . at all, really), he was still heavily involved. Halifax harbour was a major shipping lane, and a constant target for German U-boats.
Vets are, of course heroes, and we should all be proud of them. But looking at the dwindling numbers of WWII vets around, the saddest part of it is that they are getting old. These men faced the worst the world could throw at them, and they came through it. With courage, determination, and a great deal of luck, they came home to their families.
And now they can’t drive anymore.
You look at their hands, gnarled and wrinkled, and you imagine them, quite literally, freeing an entire continent from tyranny, and today those same hands can’t handle a steering wheel, or a pocket knife.
I am immensely proud of our veterans, and the veterans in my own family (of which there are quite a few), and it breaks my heart when I see an old man at the cenotaph, barely able to stand in his uniform.
Men like that shouldn’t grow old; they shouldn’t break down. They suffered and fought enough, they shouldn’t have to suffer and fight their own bodies.
May 24th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
I do understand. My mother-in-law, now 94, has descended into a state of continual confusion. My wife tends to her and we have a nurse that comes in for an hour daily. When she was 88 she got confused while driving and pressed on the accelerator instead of the brake. She narrowly missed getting in an accident. When she finally made it home, she handed the car keys to us and asked us to sell her car for her.
It is terrible to watch advanced age creep up and to see those blessed freedoms slowly, one by one, be subtracted from their life.
May 25th, 2010 at 6:53 am
What fascinating lives our grandparents have led, that we get small glimpses of. Bletchley Park!
And how hard it is, how awful, to watch them diminish as the years overtake them, to see the loss of independence (gradual or sudden). Worst of all, I think, is when they cannot see, or refuse to see, their own frailties, and must have them made explicitly clear. The grandfather who perhaps doesn’t realise his driving is now perilous; the mother who forgets that she has forgotten to turn off the iron twice this week. It’s horrible to have to tell them, or stand by while someone else does.
Courage and strength to you, and to him.
May 25th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
Each time you write about him I want to know more about him. There is one of the last working Lysanders at a nearby air museum and I have seen it fly acouple of times.this summer if I see it i will think of your grandfather and many like him.
May 26th, 2010 at 11:46 am
My dad will be 60 in August. He is a pilot. He owns his own small plane that I’ve flown in all my life. Lately it’s been harder and harder for him to pass his annual test to keep his licence. He is the best pilot I know, I can’t imagine the hurt of him being grounded. It pains me to think of it, let alone him. He doesn’t fly as often as he used to, but knowing he still can is freedom in itself.
May 26th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
We went through the license thing with Bob… so I know how you feel. I know he was a worse driver as he got sicker. His reaction times were slower. His memory for directions wasn’t as good so he had a bad habit of making last-minute lane changes. Whenever we could, we ran his errands and drove him places. But – the car meant his independence. Even though I often thought about those other families who would be impacted in an accident, I just couldn’t make the call and order his doctor to demand a retest. I chickened out, every time, and in the end the decision was made for me. So, I hear why you are conflicted on the outcome of the test.
***
But, this isn’t about me. It’s about your awesome grandfather and how he’s back home, and getting the help he needs, and even eating at the diner! I’m in tears because I’m so happy for him. I hope he can stay in his home, where he’s comfortable, for the duration. Tell him he’s got a fan in Halifax that would love to take him out for a slice of pie, one day.
May 27th, 2010 at 10:40 pm
This is a tough issue. I want Grandpa to have his truck, but I understand why he shouldn’t drive his truck anymore. The loss of dependence has to be hard on him.
May 28th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
oh, we are going through so many of the same things with my Father in Law, also a WWII veteran. My husband always told me about how his dad never speaks of his time in the Pacific, and now, these past few years, the stories keep coming and coming. His license was suspended after his last stroke, but we fear his getting it back, as he has been a terrible driver for years. He has the chair that stands him up, and still he falls (usually in the bathroom) and my MIL and SIL have to call the medics to come and help him get up.
We are moving across the country so we can be closer and help with his care.